BIG NEWS

My bike (yes, the bike I got for FREE this summer whilst playing Bigger or Better) is FIXED! It has pedals, the rust is scrubbed off the chain (literally and figuratively), and it's all lubed up.

Next step: 12 mile bike ride on Friday.

Yes, I will probably die.

This is similar to what my bike looks like.

Also, all the hardcore bike guys at bike night last night told me it was a sweet bike.

So that was cool.

Just a Glimpse

I didn't go to sleep last night. For the past week or so, I have been on a TERRIBLE sleep schedule - staying up until the wee hours of the morning and sleeping into the afternoon. So last night, I decided I just wouldn't go to sleep, and that way I can go to sleep early tonight.
So I came to Bluestem to be productive and get all my homework done.
Problem.
I forgot the notebook I need to do 98% of the homework that I have.
So instead, I had a great time with Jesus. This morning was exceptionally great. I think maybe because I haven't been spending quality time with Him, and I was so thirsty for it.
Here's some of the stuff that was great about Him this morning:

He gave me chills because of Hebrews 10:28-31: "Anyone who has set aside the law of Moses dies without mercy on the evidence of two or three witnesses. How much worse the punishment, do you think, will be deserved by the one who has spurned the Son of God, and has profaned the blood covenant by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, 'Vengeance is mine; I will repay.' And again, 'The Lord will judge his people.' It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God."
God deserves my fear.

He made me laugh because of Proverbs 27:14 - "Whoever blesses his neighbor with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, will be counted as cursing."
Because I have most definitely interpreted my, uh, neighbors intended morning blessings, as curses.

He inspired me with Hebrews 10:23-25, "Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."

God is so great.

Mmm God

Tonight at lifegroup 9:1, I was incredibly encouraged.

On Friday night, Diana, Meg, and I had some best friend time and some prayer time. During the prayer time, Meg received a word for me. I was encouraged by it and she prayed over it, but then I kind of forgot about it. So tonight at life group I was praying with Jenna Wilson, and she got the EXACT same word from me. It was incredible. It was literally word for word what Meg had said.
God is definitely trying to get my attention.

Redeemed

Let the redeemed of the Lord say so,
whom he has redeemed from trouble
and gathered from the lands
from the east and from the west,
from the north and from the south.

Let them thank the Lord for his
steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the
children of men!
For he satisfies the longing soul,
and the hungry soul he fills with good things.

He brought them out of darkness and
the shadow of death
and burst their bonds apart.

Psalm 107 (select parts)

I don't have much to add to that.

PTLOH!

A Woman of the World

Travelling makes my heart happy.
I get to travel with my best frand (one of. Meg, wish you were coming) to Washington, MO tomorrow.
I am looking forward to:
QT drinks
the open road
great music
wonderful conversation
would you rather
smoking a cig
missoura billboards
driving through Booneville
obnoxious laughter

I am seriously considering turning off my cell phone this weekend while I'm gone.
We'll see what happens.

Loneliness vs. Time with the King

I'm in a season in my life where it feels like all of my friends are either dating, engaged, or married. And I'm none of those things. I was sort of having a pity party for myself today, thinking about how my friends all have "someone", and that leaves me on the outs. Not that I even particularly want to be dating right now, but when all your friends are, it's hard not to. So I was driving around feeling sorry for myself when God smacked me upside the head. I have this unique period in my life where I can fully devote myself to getting to know Jesus better. I don't want to waste this. I don't need to be lonely, because He is always with me.

I Could Run Away - Waterdeep

I could run away
But You would never leave
You would always stay
Right by my side

Everything I've ever wanted
I've found in you

And I need you, Oh I need you
Every step of the way

Call the surgeon, Mend the pieces

I've lost a friend and it's heartbreaking.
Sometimes the things in your life that seem most secure, are the things that can slip away the easiest.

The Shadow Proves the Sunshine

Sunshine, won't you be my mother
Sunshine, come and help me see
My heart is darker than these oceans
My heart is frozen underneath

We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight,
Dry eyes in the pouring rain where
The shadow proves the sunshine
The shadow proves the sunshine

Too scared better runaway
Hold fast till the break of daylight where
The shadow proves the sunshine

Oh Lord, why did you forsake me?
Oh Lord, don't be far away away
Storm clouds gathering beside me
Please Lord, don't look the other way

be careful what you pray for...

This summer I prayed that God would make my RA job my mission field... and boy has He!! I have had more intense conversations and things to deal with in these first 2 weeks than I had the whole year last year. But it has been SO good! Another thing I prayed for this summer was boldness. That God would give me the courage and grace to say what needed to be said and to share the Good News with people who need hope. I've had the opportunity to pray with girls on my floor and to begin to see change come to their lives.
I am an RA for a reason.
I am on Smurthwaite with 9 residents for a reason.
I am at Ichthus for a reason.

God is doing amazing things in Manhattan - I've seen SO much evidence of that in my life and in the lives of other believers I've talked to.

Let's not miss this, guys. Let's press into the Kingdom and see in come here in Manhattan, KS.

Summer...

I have officially been on summer break for 4 days now. It's been 4 days full of: friends, way too much food, tropical sno, odd hours of sleep, and procrastinating unpacking.
This is the first day I've been up before 10am.
As much fun as I've had these past few days, I am SO ready for my internship (Emmanuel Baptist) to start. I can't wait to move back into the church. I can't wait for the morning devotions. For crazy last minute decisions. For going to The Gathering to be part of my job. To reconnect with my girls. To get to know new girls. To build crazy-close bonds with the other interns. To go to the Argentine district in KC. To go to youthfront.
To be broken. challenged. renewed.

Also, I can't wait for Meg to get here.

WIN

I'm so glad that if I marry a black man, we will have a place to shop for furniture together.

Ode

I'd like to give a shout out right now to cheese.

I just really like it.

I've never tried a cheese that I didn't like.

It's just so delicious and so versatile.

I would eat cheese with almost anything and you can never have too much cheese on something.

So go eat some cheese.

Cheese can even produce images of the Virgin Mary. (Also, to lady in this pic: i NEED that lipstick)

D-Now!

I get to go spend my weekend with highschoolers and middleschoolers and i am SO pumped.

Pray for a weekend filled with the Holy Spirit.
Pray that the will of God is accomplished in every single one of the kids and leaders.

Thanks, friends!

Job

So I finished reading the book of Job yesterday. Wow. That book is intense and so good.
As I was reading it and listening to Job speak, I was agreeing with how he was feeling and thinking and then Elihu comes in and I'm like, "Oh. Right." In Job 34:10 Elihu says, "Therefore, hear me, you men of understanding: far be it from God that he should do wickedness, and from the Almighty that he should do wrong." So right there I'm convicted.

Then God comes in and He asks Job in 38:4-7, "Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements -- surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy?"

And the questions like that go on for the next 2 chapters. I feel like Job's response is so appropriate.
"Behold, I am of small account, what shall I answer you? I lay my hand on my mouth." (40:4)

Seriously.
Who am I to ever question God?

Mid-Semester Burn Out

Sometimes I wonder if I'm supposed to be in college.
I usually wonder this:
When I'm doing something I love that is not school related (such as missions)
When I'm in a particulary boring class/class that has nothing to do with my life (Speech)
When I'm having roommate issues
And toward the end of each semester, especially Spring

So right now, I'm wondering if I'm supposed to be in college.

I want to go into full time missions. There's a really good chance that I'll be moving to Trinidad sometime in the next 5 years. Why not just do it now?
I don't technically need a degree to do what I want to do.

Here's why I'm not dropping out:
There's a part of me, that loves learning. It's the nerdy part of me, and it's bigger than I usually let on.
I'm not here to get a degree so I can make money, and I'm not jaded enough *yet* to think that I'm wasting my time getting an education.
It's preventing me from having to "grow up".
I want to become a therapist because I think that I can help people better if I have training. Especially people, and especially children, in Trinidad who wouldn't have access to a trained therapist.
I'm a competative person, and at this point I'm competing against myself to see if I can do it.

So that's it.

7 weeks until summer.
I can make it.

I'm 20 yo.

I'm 20 today. Weird.
I will never ever be a teenager ever again.
I can't blame my imaturity on that anymore... Oh well, I'll find something to blame it on. :)

I hope I get closer to Jesus while I'm 20.

Happy Birthday

Yesterday would have been Lance's 19th birthday.

Happy Birthday, buddy.
I miss you and I love you.

I'm kind of jealous that you're with Jesus right now. :)

Oh, College

It's currently 6:21 am and I am not asleep. And I have not been asleep tonight. I'm pulling a good ol' all nighter. Why? you might ask. You are probably thinking, "She must have a big test or a paper or something legit." Well, no. No, I don't. I'm sitting in the G5 lobby with Diana and she is working on legit stuff (a paper and 2 tests) and I'm not working on anything... I'm blogging. I finished the paper that I have due tomorrow... oh wait... today 3 1/2 hours ago and then decided I didn't feel like going to bed. Diana is leaving for Ireland on Wednesday and I told her I'd give her letters for every day she was there and I still had 5 to write (now I'm down to 2) so I decided to stay up with her and work on those. I just think that pulling all nighters is something you should do every once in a while when you're at college. And honestly, my semester isn't super challenging and I don't think I'm going to have a legit reason to pull one. And I haven't pulled one since 2nd semester freshman year. So it's just time.
So Diana's new favorite word is "totes", an abbreviation for totally for the layman. It's a great word. It's just so goofy and great. "You totes suck!" Me, Meg, and Diana were crazy tonight. crazy. I love those girls so much!!

A Beautiful Mess

God's faithfulness truly astounds me. I'm so thankful that He is faithful in our unfaithfulness. I love that God knows exactly what He's doing 100% of the time. So often I have moments of confusion and doubt on the best course of action to take or even how to think about something, but God never has a moment like that. He is completely in control at all times. When the world, or our lives, look like a complete mess, God has it under control. And it's beautiful. A beautiful mess.
I have a friend who I've been praying for for years that he would come back to Jesus, and sometimes I get so discouraged about him. But God has been giving me so much peace lately that His timing is absolutely perfect. He will bring my friend to Him in perfect timing. And that's enough for me.
I just finished reading "The Shack" because I wanted to know what all the hype was about and so I could have an educated opinion about it. And I'll be honest, it is a book that I would recommend with caution. I think that it is somewhat presumptuous and I'm not sure I agree with all the theology. However, there were parts of it that were really encouraging to me. So read it. But read it critically and compare everything that "God says" in the book to Scripture. My favorite part of the book is when Mack (the main character) and Sarayu (the Holy Spirit) are in a garden together and Sarayu thanks Mack for his help. Then it goes:
"I didn't do that much, really," he apologized. "I mean, look at this mess." His gaze moved over the garden that surrounded them. "But it really is beautiful, and full of you, Sarayu. Even though it seems like lots of work still needs to be done, I feel strangely at home and comfortable here." Sarayu stepped toward him until she had invaded his personal space. "
And well you should, Mack, because this garden is your soul. This mess is you! Together, you and I, we have been working with a purpose in your heart. And it is wild and beautiful and perfectly in process. To you it seems like a mess, but to me, I see a perfect pattern emerging and growing and alive -- a living fractal."

"Wild and beautiful and perfectly in process." I love that.

Being Sick in College = Suck fest

Being sick when your mom isn't there to baby you and buy you popsicles and rub your back is no fun at all.
I think this is the first time in college that i've been real sick. Like not wanting to get out of bed the entire day and falling asleep while reading kind of sick. I'm pretty sure that I woke up from one my 5 naps today and tried to call for my mom and then rememered that she's 2 hours away. Dang.
Well, I'm definitely going to take my multi-vitamin every day from here on out so that I don't get sick again while I'm in college! Because let's admit it: When you're home, being sick has its perk. But when you're in college you get the sick part, but not the perks part. And that's lame.

So I'm not even kidding. God cussed at me. I know that his vocabulary is way more ornate than this, but to my mind this is how it translated:

"Trust me, dammit!"

I was being an idiot and questioning and I cried out for Him to speak to me and that's what He said.
God is awesome.

It's a good thing when your friends love you more than beer. I just found out that Diana does. Thanks, girl.

I was in Colo this weekend and got to see some amazing stars. I'm so glad that God created stars. They are one of my favorite creations ever. I could look at them all night and not be bored.

Crap

I'm so unworthy.
I don't know how I got back to this place.
I thought that I had learned my lesson and that my relationship with the Lord would be consistent from here on out.
I thought that I would never doubt Him again.
I thought I was learning to surrender.

And then I realize where I am, and I hate it.
My relationship with Jesus is crap right now.
I've been ridiculously unfaithful.
I'm supposed to be the salt of the earth and I can't claim that right now.
I'm so so ashamed.
But at the same time, I can't say that I am going to turn it around.
It sickens me.

This post is ridiculously honest.