2010

This has been quite the year.

I got to be an Aunt x2. (My nephews are the cutest and the best. Don't even try to argue otherwise.)

I wrestled with, and am still wrestling with, some big questions related to God, the world, and my place here. But Jesus is always faithful and I hope and pray that I come out of this closer to Him than where I started.

I've learned a lot. I made some pretty big mistakes but learned from each one.

I've gotten to know some people that have forever changed my life. Especially a few people who look at the world completely different than I do and have challenged me in a lot of ways.

I have allowed my heart to heal from some things that happened in the past and it has been a painful process, but the good kind of pain - the kind of pain that you know is getting you somewhere. I'm still in some of that, but it's worth it.

(Nerd moment: I've been re-reading the Chronicles of Narnia and in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader when Aslan helps Eustace stop being a dragon and become a human again and tears his skin away... that's what I feel like has been happening.)

In this next year, I will graduate from K-State. That part of my life will be over. And that is CRAZY to me. I probably won't ever be in Manhattan again for more than a couple days. There will be people that I never see again. But more importantly, there will be people that I stay in touch with and continue to go through life with.

I'll start working, hopefully at the Wyandot Center again and figure out where I want to go to graduate school and what exactly I want to do.

I'm excited.

One last thought that has been impacting me a lot:

"Hope is about choosing to believe that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us" -Anne Lamott

Pain and Triumph

This semester has been an interesting one. Not what I expected.

I came into this semester expecting an easy class load, more time on my hands than when I was an RA, and a passion for Jesus that wasn't going to be diminished.
Whoops. None of those have proven to be true - Two of those things are out of my control and, more importantly, one part is in my control. Can you guess which are which?

This semester has been rough. I've been dealing with a lot internally. Big questions. Like, Jesus, where are you when 3 year old babies are being trafficked for sex? Jesus, how can I do anything to help the brokenness of the world? Where do I start? How do I tell a girl who has been neglected by her father to trust our Heavenly Father? And instead of really wrestling through those questions in prayer and God's Word, I just kept pushing those questions aside. "They're too big. I don't have enough time. What if I don't like the answers?" Those are my excuses. Needless to say, my relationship with Jesus suffered. In a talk a few weeks ago, John Schwartz gave the analogy that someone who has those questions and did what I did is like someone sitting down in the middle of a battlefield and just giving up.

Then my dear friend's brother was killed in a car accident and I was privileged to spend the next week directly following his death with her and her parents. I witnessed raw grief as I had never seen before. I learned what it really means to "mourn with those that mourn". And then I witnessed her 60-something dad give his life to Jesus.

I can't afford to sit down on the battlefield. The battlefield isn't a fun place to be but we're fighting a battle and we know the outcome. Jesus is victorious. I still don't have the answers. I don't know how to fix the world. Sometimes I feel paralyzed by the enormity of suffering around me. But then I look to the Head. I ask Him where He wants me and I focus all of my attention there.

And that's enough.

That's what He asks for.

I can do that.

4 days left

I have four days left at my job this summer. I've been working at the Wyandot Center in a summer treatment program for kids that have been diagnosed with an SED (Severe Emotional Disturbance). The summer has not been what I expected. In some ways it has been better and in some ways worse. I'm writing this on the one of the worst days I've had this summer so I'm going to try not to let that cloud the summer as a whole.

I started typing a whole description of my summer, but decided against it. It's really hard to describe my job to people who haven't been there - and I don't say that in a pretentious or arrogant way. I thought that I knew a lot about mental illness and about kids when I started the summer and I have come to realize throughout the summer how much I don't know. Every single kid is different, and every single kid's illness manifests itself in a different way. These kids have gone through more in their short 11 years of life than many adults I know have gone through.

There are times when I get angry with these kids and it takes every ounce of strength I have not to let it show. When it's hard for me to love them. When I would rather be at home sleeping. But at the end of the day, I'm so thankful for this summer. I have learned so much and virtually all of it has been taught by the kids.

I'll never forget them.

In some ways this summer has been incredible, and in other ways, well, it hasn't.

My job is wonderful. I have been so blessed by the kids I'm working with and have been learning a lot about myself, and what I want to do with my life in the future. My patience is tested day after day and I have begun to learn what I have to do to avoid burn out. I've been wrestling with how to show Jesus in implicit, rather than explicit, ways. I have awesome co-workers who encourage me and keep me sane.

Living at home as been so good. It's been peaceful. It's been restful. It's been exactly what I've needed.

Vineyard is exactly the church I need to be at this summer and God has continued to show me that. The way that He orchestrated my being there again has been obvious proof of His will for my life.

But I have put my relationship with Jesus on the back burner. I have been convicted of sin in my life that I knew I would be confronted by the moment I opened the Word and started listening. So I didn't. I avoided it. Until last night. And, of course, Jesus confronted me in His firm, but gentle way. And I listened to Him. Finally. And a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I feel so free. Things are not perfect. There is work still to be done. But I've finally stopped trying to do it myself and have given Him the reins. Praise be to Jesus, who knows what He's doing.

I might be wrong

Pride.
Ohhhh, pride.
It's something I struggle with a lot. a lot.
Jesus is teaching me that even when I think I'm right, I might be wrong.
There are few things of which I can be absolutely certain:
I am a sinner.
While I was still a sinner Christ died for me. And rose again.
I need to live my life for him.

Other than that, I could be wrong.

This Summer

This summer I plan to...

• Get closer to Jesus
• Love my job and the kids I get to work with
• Become familiar with Westport and downtown KC
• Get tan
• Read good books
• Fill up my journal
• Get in shape
• Learn what it means to pray without ceasing
• Let my heart take some risks
• Laugh until I cry
• Go to Chicago
• Knit way too much
• Invest in the people that matter
• LOVE

Taming my Unruly Tongue

James 1:19
...Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry...

The slow to speak is where I struggle. A lot. My tongue so often gets the better of me and I say something that I didn't want to say, whether it's a too sarcastic comment or something that embarrasses someone. I'm always getting myself into trouble. Sometimes I wish I couldn't talk at all.

I'm trying to find the balance between conviction and guilt. It's hard for me to find.

I want so badly to be a light and to exude Jesus' love, but I mess it up constantly.

I take comfort in this though: "Hope means holding onto You. Grace means You're holding me too." -JJ Heller

make sense?

hey friends.

I've been out for a while.

Both my hands were broken and I was no longer able to type.

Anyway, life is good and Hay-sus is better.

Peace.