Sunday, October 31, 2010

Pain and Triumph

This semester has been an interesting one. Not what I expected.

I came into this semester expecting an easy class load, more time on my hands than when I was an RA, and a passion for Jesus that wasn't going to be diminished.
Whoops. None of those have proven to be true - Two of those things are out of my control and, more importantly, one part is in my control. Can you guess which are which?

This semester has been rough. I've been dealing with a lot internally. Big questions. Like, Jesus, where are you when 3 year old babies are being trafficked for sex? Jesus, how can I do anything to help the brokenness of the world? Where do I start? How do I tell a girl who has been neglected by her father to trust our Heavenly Father? And instead of really wrestling through those questions in prayer and God's Word, I just kept pushing those questions aside. "They're too big. I don't have enough time. What if I don't like the answers?" Those are my excuses. Needless to say, my relationship with Jesus suffered. In a talk a few weeks ago, John Schwartz gave the analogy that someone who has those questions and did what I did is like someone sitting down in the middle of a battlefield and just giving up.

Then my dear friend's brother was killed in a car accident and I was privileged to spend the next week directly following his death with her and her parents. I witnessed raw grief as I had never seen before. I learned what it really means to "mourn with those that mourn". And then I witnessed her 60-something dad give his life to Jesus.

I can't afford to sit down on the battlefield. The battlefield isn't a fun place to be but we're fighting a battle and we know the outcome. Jesus is victorious. I still don't have the answers. I don't know how to fix the world. Sometimes I feel paralyzed by the enormity of suffering around me. But then I look to the Head. I ask Him where He wants me and I focus all of my attention there.

And that's enough.

That's what He asks for.

I can do that.

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