A Beautiful Mess

God's faithfulness truly astounds me. I'm so thankful that He is faithful in our unfaithfulness. I love that God knows exactly what He's doing 100% of the time. So often I have moments of confusion and doubt on the best course of action to take or even how to think about something, but God never has a moment like that. He is completely in control at all times. When the world, or our lives, look like a complete mess, God has it under control. And it's beautiful. A beautiful mess.
I have a friend who I've been praying for for years that he would come back to Jesus, and sometimes I get so discouraged about him. But God has been giving me so much peace lately that His timing is absolutely perfect. He will bring my friend to Him in perfect timing. And that's enough for me.
I just finished reading "The Shack" because I wanted to know what all the hype was about and so I could have an educated opinion about it. And I'll be honest, it is a book that I would recommend with caution. I think that it is somewhat presumptuous and I'm not sure I agree with all the theology. However, there were parts of it that were really encouraging to me. So read it. But read it critically and compare everything that "God says" in the book to Scripture. My favorite part of the book is when Mack (the main character) and Sarayu (the Holy Spirit) are in a garden together and Sarayu thanks Mack for his help. Then it goes:
"I didn't do that much, really," he apologized. "I mean, look at this mess." His gaze moved over the garden that surrounded them. "But it really is beautiful, and full of you, Sarayu. Even though it seems like lots of work still needs to be done, I feel strangely at home and comfortable here." Sarayu stepped toward him until she had invaded his personal space. "
And well you should, Mack, because this garden is your soul. This mess is you! Together, you and I, we have been working with a purpose in your heart. And it is wild and beautiful and perfectly in process. To you it seems like a mess, but to me, I see a perfect pattern emerging and growing and alive -- a living fractal."

"Wild and beautiful and perfectly in process." I love that.

Being Sick in College = Suck fest

Being sick when your mom isn't there to baby you and buy you popsicles and rub your back is no fun at all.
I think this is the first time in college that i've been real sick. Like not wanting to get out of bed the entire day and falling asleep while reading kind of sick. I'm pretty sure that I woke up from one my 5 naps today and tried to call for my mom and then rememered that she's 2 hours away. Dang.
Well, I'm definitely going to take my multi-vitamin every day from here on out so that I don't get sick again while I'm in college! Because let's admit it: When you're home, being sick has its perk. But when you're in college you get the sick part, but not the perks part. And that's lame.

So I'm not even kidding. God cussed at me. I know that his vocabulary is way more ornate than this, but to my mind this is how it translated:

"Trust me, dammit!"

I was being an idiot and questioning and I cried out for Him to speak to me and that's what He said.
God is awesome.

It's a good thing when your friends love you more than beer. I just found out that Diana does. Thanks, girl.

I was in Colo this weekend and got to see some amazing stars. I'm so glad that God created stars. They are one of my favorite creations ever. I could look at them all night and not be bored.

Crap

I'm so unworthy.
I don't know how I got back to this place.
I thought that I had learned my lesson and that my relationship with the Lord would be consistent from here on out.
I thought that I would never doubt Him again.
I thought I was learning to surrender.

And then I realize where I am, and I hate it.
My relationship with Jesus is crap right now.
I've been ridiculously unfaithful.
I'm supposed to be the salt of the earth and I can't claim that right now.
I'm so so ashamed.
But at the same time, I can't say that I am going to turn it around.
It sickens me.

This post is ridiculously honest.

I Have Friends

I have amazing friends.
On Friday night Diana and I randomly decided to drive to Washington, MO (outside of St. Louis) to visit her family. I hope I'm always spontaneous. I know that it's easier to be spontaneous in college, but I want to keep at least some level of it my whole life. Friends, help me with that, ok?

But there's more to it than that. I have friends who will argue with me for 30 minutes about the most pointless things just because I like to argue.

I have friends who take awful classes with me and don't judge me for sucking at it. And help me see the bright side of things.... or at least let me wallow in my misery a little bit. And will laugh with me about weird Christmas speeches.

I have friends that I don't have to see for 5 months, but when we do get to see each other, nothing has changed.

I have friends who hold me accountable.
I have friends who pray for me.
I have friends who worry about me.
I have friends who help me get closer to Jesus.
I have friends who will tell me when I need to shape up.
I have friends who will laugh with me.
I have friends who will laugh at me. :)
I have friends that will be there for me my whole life.

I thank Jesus for my friends.

MM MM Good!

It has been a tough couple of months in general, and a tough 24 hours in particular. Just stupid school stuff, mostly. But as I'm sitting on my bed facing the window, I can see an amazing sunset and as cheesy as this sounds, my problems just don't seem to matter as much. A grade on a test of paper or even in a class is so miniscule in respect to the big picture. I'm not saying that as an excuse to let myself off the hook for slacking or whatever... but these little things really don't matter that much.

Creation rocks my socks off.

God made creation.

Therefore, God rocks my socks off.

I hope that's not irreverent?

Increíble!

I serve such an incredible God.
I can't doubt His existence or His working in my life.
I don't serve Him like I should.
I want my whole life to glorify Him.

Lord, give me strength.