So I'm a pretty terrible blogger. Oh well. 2nd post of 2011 and we're not halfway through the year yet so I'm doing alright.

I am now a K-State graduate. Hooray! Actually, it's kind of bizarre. I had no idea that so much could happen in 4 years or that it could go so quickly. College has been awesome. I had some of the highest and lowest points of my life so far but have learned so much and hopefully grown. Now I'm feeling kind of sentimental so I'mgoing to do a little college collage.

Freshman Year:

Rooming with the lovely Anna Corey was wonderful and we had SO many great nights full of laughter, way too much junk food, and minimal studying. Freshman year was also when I met Diana and the three of us hung out ALL the time. Here is just one example.

I think it was around this time that some girl knocked on our door and told us to shut up.

Anyway, we had a blast. And I definitely learned so much about friendship and loving people well. These two definitely had the most impact on my life that year.

Sophomore Year:

Sophomore year I became an RA at West Hall which was wonderful. I had an incredible floor and made some close bonds with the rest of the staff. This year was also really hard for me. I struggled with depression more than I ever have and was at one of my lowest points. Thankfully, I serve a God who does not abandon and He used people in my life to get me through and teach me more about depending on Him. Diana played a huge role in that, as did my dear friend Meg who I became closeto this year. I also started going to Ichthus sophomore year which had a huge effect on my Junior and Senior years.

A little taste of Sophomore year:

One of the many walks we took on the Konza.

Junior Year:

Junior year started out with me as the RA in the basement of Smurthwaite for overflow students. I had been praying all summer that Jesus would really use me in my RA job, and boy did he. The issues and challenges that my residents were facing was overwhelming to say the least. That basement was one of the most spiritually oppressed places I have ever been in. But I think that Jesus did use me as a light and I was able to help the girls. Second semester I went back to West and that was wonderful. That semester I really got close to a lot of the staff, especially my good friend Joel. We had some really great conversations about life and everything that goes with it during the course of that semester. But truly the whole staff was incredible and I loved each of them so much.

Hanging on the Bluestem patio.

Senior Year:

This year I moved out of the Residence Halls and got a house with 6 of the most incredible gals ever. I also led an Ichthus Lifegroup that's missional focus was Ogden, where I also did my Family Studies internship. I feel like I'm still processing this year so I won't say too much about it. What I will say is that I don't think God has ever put more wonderful, encouraging, genuine people in my life all at the same time.

The ballin' ladies of 1511worth. Best.Lifegroup.Ever. Before the Ichthus Banquet.

So that is 4 years in a very small nutshell without any previous thought to what I would include. I'm really excited for the future and for my new job, which I will *try* to remember to blog about in the near future.

Ogden

Ogden, KS.

Population: Around 2,000.

People below thePoverty Level: Around 23%, about double the state average.

There is need in Ogden. Lots of it.

I am growing to love Ogden. God is putting a passion for it in my heart - for its people. Especially for its children. Some of them don't really have a chance. The odds are stacked against them. Their parents are drug and alcohol users and abusers. Or just unemployed and uneducated and doing their best to put food on the table. They've been shuffled around the state and country so that when they wind up [back] in Ogden for 5th grade, they've already gone to 5 0r 6 different schools.
They are starved for attention. After I've talked with them once, maybe twice, they cling to me, they hang on me, they hug me, they hold my hand - they tell me that I'm their best friend. Sometimes I can't even remember their names - but they always remember my name. They light up when I smile at them. They burst with pride if I compliment them on a job well done.

Jesus loves Ogden. I know He does. He loves the children and he loves the parents - the parents that I have a hard time not judging. They have a story. Somehow along the way in their story, they've gotten to the point where they neglect their children or develop a drug or alcohol addiction. I don't know their stories. I can't judge them. I need to love them, like Jesus loves them.

I'm trying to figure out what God wants me to do next in Ogden. How do I get people excited about it? How do I make people understand that by going and hanging out with the kids they're bringing the Kingdom of Heaven to earth? How do I help cultivate fertile soil in the heart's of the people I interact with? Am I supposed to move to Ogden? Does God want me to stay in Manhattan/Ogden after graduation? Will my work there be finished in May or does He have something more in store for me? These are my questions. I have faith that He will make the way clear. In the mean time, I'm just doing my best to obey and to love.

2010

This has been quite the year.

I got to be an Aunt x2. (My nephews are the cutest and the best. Don't even try to argue otherwise.)

I wrestled with, and am still wrestling with, some big questions related to God, the world, and my place here. But Jesus is always faithful and I hope and pray that I come out of this closer to Him than where I started.

I've learned a lot. I made some pretty big mistakes but learned from each one.

I've gotten to know some people that have forever changed my life. Especially a few people who look at the world completely different than I do and have challenged me in a lot of ways.

I have allowed my heart to heal from some things that happened in the past and it has been a painful process, but the good kind of pain - the kind of pain that you know is getting you somewhere. I'm still in some of that, but it's worth it.

(Nerd moment: I've been re-reading the Chronicles of Narnia and in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader when Aslan helps Eustace stop being a dragon and become a human again and tears his skin away... that's what I feel like has been happening.)

In this next year, I will graduate from K-State. That part of my life will be over. And that is CRAZY to me. I probably won't ever be in Manhattan again for more than a couple days. There will be people that I never see again. But more importantly, there will be people that I stay in touch with and continue to go through life with.

I'll start working, hopefully at the Wyandot Center again and figure out where I want to go to graduate school and what exactly I want to do.

I'm excited.

One last thought that has been impacting me a lot:

"Hope is about choosing to believe that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us" -Anne Lamott

Pain and Triumph

This semester has been an interesting one. Not what I expected.

I came into this semester expecting an easy class load, more time on my hands than when I was an RA, and a passion for Jesus that wasn't going to be diminished.
Whoops. None of those have proven to be true - Two of those things are out of my control and, more importantly, one part is in my control. Can you guess which are which?

This semester has been rough. I've been dealing with a lot internally. Big questions. Like, Jesus, where are you when 3 year old babies are being trafficked for sex? Jesus, how can I do anything to help the brokenness of the world? Where do I start? How do I tell a girl who has been neglected by her father to trust our Heavenly Father? And instead of really wrestling through those questions in prayer and God's Word, I just kept pushing those questions aside. "They're too big. I don't have enough time. What if I don't like the answers?" Those are my excuses. Needless to say, my relationship with Jesus suffered. In a talk a few weeks ago, John Schwartz gave the analogy that someone who has those questions and did what I did is like someone sitting down in the middle of a battlefield and just giving up.

Then my dear friend's brother was killed in a car accident and I was privileged to spend the next week directly following his death with her and her parents. I witnessed raw grief as I had never seen before. I learned what it really means to "mourn with those that mourn". And then I witnessed her 60-something dad give his life to Jesus.

I can't afford to sit down on the battlefield. The battlefield isn't a fun place to be but we're fighting a battle and we know the outcome. Jesus is victorious. I still don't have the answers. I don't know how to fix the world. Sometimes I feel paralyzed by the enormity of suffering around me. But then I look to the Head. I ask Him where He wants me and I focus all of my attention there.

And that's enough.

That's what He asks for.

I can do that.

4 days left

I have four days left at my job this summer. I've been working at the Wyandot Center in a summer treatment program for kids that have been diagnosed with an SED (Severe Emotional Disturbance). The summer has not been what I expected. In some ways it has been better and in some ways worse. I'm writing this on the one of the worst days I've had this summer so I'm going to try not to let that cloud the summer as a whole.

I started typing a whole description of my summer, but decided against it. It's really hard to describe my job to people who haven't been there - and I don't say that in a pretentious or arrogant way. I thought that I knew a lot about mental illness and about kids when I started the summer and I have come to realize throughout the summer how much I don't know. Every single kid is different, and every single kid's illness manifests itself in a different way. These kids have gone through more in their short 11 years of life than many adults I know have gone through.

There are times when I get angry with these kids and it takes every ounce of strength I have not to let it show. When it's hard for me to love them. When I would rather be at home sleeping. But at the end of the day, I'm so thankful for this summer. I have learned so much and virtually all of it has been taught by the kids.

I'll never forget them.

In some ways this summer has been incredible, and in other ways, well, it hasn't.

My job is wonderful. I have been so blessed by the kids I'm working with and have been learning a lot about myself, and what I want to do with my life in the future. My patience is tested day after day and I have begun to learn what I have to do to avoid burn out. I've been wrestling with how to show Jesus in implicit, rather than explicit, ways. I have awesome co-workers who encourage me and keep me sane.

Living at home as been so good. It's been peaceful. It's been restful. It's been exactly what I've needed.

Vineyard is exactly the church I need to be at this summer and God has continued to show me that. The way that He orchestrated my being there again has been obvious proof of His will for my life.

But I have put my relationship with Jesus on the back burner. I have been convicted of sin in my life that I knew I would be confronted by the moment I opened the Word and started listening. So I didn't. I avoided it. Until last night. And, of course, Jesus confronted me in His firm, but gentle way. And I listened to Him. Finally. And a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I feel so free. Things are not perfect. There is work still to be done. But I've finally stopped trying to do it myself and have given Him the reins. Praise be to Jesus, who knows what He's doing.

I might be wrong

Pride.
Ohhhh, pride.
It's something I struggle with a lot. a lot.
Jesus is teaching me that even when I think I'm right, I might be wrong.
There are few things of which I can be absolutely certain:
I am a sinner.
While I was still a sinner Christ died for me. And rose again.
I need to live my life for him.

Other than that, I could be wrong.

This Summer

This summer I plan to...

• Get closer to Jesus
• Love my job and the kids I get to work with
• Become familiar with Westport and downtown KC
• Get tan
• Read good books
• Fill up my journal
• Get in shape
• Learn what it means to pray without ceasing
• Let my heart take some risks
• Laugh until I cry
• Go to Chicago
• Knit way too much
• Invest in the people that matter
• LOVE

Taming my Unruly Tongue

James 1:19
...Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry...

The slow to speak is where I struggle. A lot. My tongue so often gets the better of me and I say something that I didn't want to say, whether it's a too sarcastic comment or something that embarrasses someone. I'm always getting myself into trouble. Sometimes I wish I couldn't talk at all.

I'm trying to find the balance between conviction and guilt. It's hard for me to find.

I want so badly to be a light and to exude Jesus' love, but I mess it up constantly.

I take comfort in this though: "Hope means holding onto You. Grace means You're holding me too." -JJ Heller

make sense?

hey friends.

I've been out for a while.

Both my hands were broken and I was no longer able to type.

Anyway, life is good and Hay-sus is better.

Peace.

BIG NEWS

My bike (yes, the bike I got for FREE this summer whilst playing Bigger or Better) is FIXED! It has pedals, the rust is scrubbed off the chain (literally and figuratively), and it's all lubed up.

Next step: 12 mile bike ride on Friday.

Yes, I will probably die.

This is similar to what my bike looks like.

Also, all the hardcore bike guys at bike night last night told me it was a sweet bike.

So that was cool.

Just a Glimpse

I didn't go to sleep last night. For the past week or so, I have been on a TERRIBLE sleep schedule - staying up until the wee hours of the morning and sleeping into the afternoon. So last night, I decided I just wouldn't go to sleep, and that way I can go to sleep early tonight.
So I came to Bluestem to be productive and get all my homework done.
Problem.
I forgot the notebook I need to do 98% of the homework that I have.
So instead, I had a great time with Jesus. This morning was exceptionally great. I think maybe because I haven't been spending quality time with Him, and I was so thirsty for it.
Here's some of the stuff that was great about Him this morning:

He gave me chills because of Hebrews 10:28-31: "Anyone who has set aside the law of Moses dies without mercy on the evidence of two or three witnesses. How much worse the punishment, do you think, will be deserved by the one who has spurned the Son of God, and has profaned the blood covenant by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, 'Vengeance is mine; I will repay.' And again, 'The Lord will judge his people.' It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God."
God deserves my fear.

He made me laugh because of Proverbs 27:14 - "Whoever blesses his neighbor with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, will be counted as cursing."
Because I have most definitely interpreted my, uh, neighbors intended morning blessings, as curses.

He inspired me with Hebrews 10:23-25, "Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."

God is so great.

Mmm God

Tonight at lifegroup 9:1, I was incredibly encouraged.

On Friday night, Diana, Meg, and I had some best friend time and some prayer time. During the prayer time, Meg received a word for me. I was encouraged by it and she prayed over it, but then I kind of forgot about it. So tonight at life group I was praying with Jenna Wilson, and she got the EXACT same word from me. It was incredible. It was literally word for word what Meg had said.
God is definitely trying to get my attention.

Redeemed

Let the redeemed of the Lord say so,
whom he has redeemed from trouble
and gathered from the lands
from the east and from the west,
from the north and from the south.

Let them thank the Lord for his
steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the
children of men!
For he satisfies the longing soul,
and the hungry soul he fills with good things.

He brought them out of darkness and
the shadow of death
and burst their bonds apart.

Psalm 107 (select parts)

I don't have much to add to that.

PTLOH!

A Woman of the World

Travelling makes my heart happy.
I get to travel with my best frand (one of. Meg, wish you were coming) to Washington, MO tomorrow.
I am looking forward to:
QT drinks
the open road
great music
wonderful conversation
would you rather
smoking a cig
missoura billboards
driving through Booneville
obnoxious laughter

I am seriously considering turning off my cell phone this weekend while I'm gone.
We'll see what happens.

Loneliness vs. Time with the King

I'm in a season in my life where it feels like all of my friends are either dating, engaged, or married. And I'm none of those things. I was sort of having a pity party for myself today, thinking about how my friends all have "someone", and that leaves me on the outs. Not that I even particularly want to be dating right now, but when all your friends are, it's hard not to. So I was driving around feeling sorry for myself when God smacked me upside the head. I have this unique period in my life where I can fully devote myself to getting to know Jesus better. I don't want to waste this. I don't need to be lonely, because He is always with me.

I Could Run Away - Waterdeep

I could run away
But You would never leave
You would always stay
Right by my side

Everything I've ever wanted
I've found in you

And I need you, Oh I need you
Every step of the way

Call the surgeon, Mend the pieces

I've lost a friend and it's heartbreaking.
Sometimes the things in your life that seem most secure, are the things that can slip away the easiest.

The Shadow Proves the Sunshine

Sunshine, won't you be my mother
Sunshine, come and help me see
My heart is darker than these oceans
My heart is frozen underneath

We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight,
Dry eyes in the pouring rain where
The shadow proves the sunshine
The shadow proves the sunshine

Too scared better runaway
Hold fast till the break of daylight where
The shadow proves the sunshine

Oh Lord, why did you forsake me?
Oh Lord, don't be far away away
Storm clouds gathering beside me
Please Lord, don't look the other way

be careful what you pray for...

This summer I prayed that God would make my RA job my mission field... and boy has He!! I have had more intense conversations and things to deal with in these first 2 weeks than I had the whole year last year. But it has been SO good! Another thing I prayed for this summer was boldness. That God would give me the courage and grace to say what needed to be said and to share the Good News with people who need hope. I've had the opportunity to pray with girls on my floor and to begin to see change come to their lives.
I am an RA for a reason.
I am on Smurthwaite with 9 residents for a reason.
I am at Ichthus for a reason.

God is doing amazing things in Manhattan - I've seen SO much evidence of that in my life and in the lives of other believers I've talked to.

Let's not miss this, guys. Let's press into the Kingdom and see in come here in Manhattan, KS.

Summer...

I have officially been on summer break for 4 days now. It's been 4 days full of: friends, way too much food, tropical sno, odd hours of sleep, and procrastinating unpacking.
This is the first day I've been up before 10am.
As much fun as I've had these past few days, I am SO ready for my internship (Emmanuel Baptist) to start. I can't wait to move back into the church. I can't wait for the morning devotions. For crazy last minute decisions. For going to The Gathering to be part of my job. To reconnect with my girls. To get to know new girls. To build crazy-close bonds with the other interns. To go to the Argentine district in KC. To go to youthfront.
To be broken. challenged. renewed.

Also, I can't wait for Meg to get here.

WIN

I'm so glad that if I marry a black man, we will have a place to shop for furniture together.