Hope is coming for me...

discouraged
adjective
1.
made less hopeful or enthusiastic; "desperate demoralized people looking for work"; "felt discouraged by the magnitude of the problem"; "the disheartened instructor tried vainly to arouse their interest" [syn: demoralized]
2.
lacking in resolution; "the accident left others discouraged about going there"

hope
–noun
1.
the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.
2.
a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.
3.
grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.
4.
a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.
5.
something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope. –verb (used with object)
6.
to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.
7.
to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory. –verb (used without object)
8.
to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early spring.
9.
Archaic. to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in). —Idiom
10.
hope against hope, to continue to hope, although the outlook does not warrant it: We are hoping against hope for a change in her condition

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1

"Where then is my hope?
Who can see any hope for me?"
Job 17:15

"There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off."
Proverbs 23:18

"My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning."
Psalm 130:6

"How long must your servant wait?"
Psalm 119:84

I'll Never be the Same

"Fire Fall Down"

Hillsong

Cause I know that you're alive

You came to fix my broken life

And I'll sing to glorify

Your Holy name, Jesus Christ

You bought my life with the blood

That you shed on the cross

When you died for the sins of men

And you let out a cry, crucified

Now alive in me

These hands are yours

Teach them to serve

As you please and I'll reach out

Desperate to see all the greatness of God

May my soul rest assured in you

I'll never be the same

No I'll never be the same

Cause I know that you're alive

You came to fix my broken life

And I'll sing to glorify

Your Holy name, Jesus Christ

You've changed it all

You broke down the wall

When I spoke and confessed

In you I am blessed

Now I walk in the light

In victorious sight of you

Fire fall down

Fire fall down

On us we pray

As we seek

Fire fall down

Your fire fall down

On us we pray

Show me your heart

Show me your way

Show me your glory

I want more of Jesus. I want to know His heart, His way, and His glory.

I want to be closer to Him.

I miss Lance a lot. I don't really know why... sometimes it just hits me, I guess.

I love you and miss you, buddy.
There's no one like you.

It's been a hard transition going from a summer that was wholly devoted to growth in my relationship with God, where my community was all about that too, and about supporting each other in Christ. A whole summer of an hour every morning spent at the feet of Jesus -- no distractions unless I created them. To now, where it's my responsibility to devote that time to Jesus, to make Him my focus. To yearn for Him without a tight-knit community urging me on. I have definitely been falling short.
I want to yearn for Jesus. I want Him to be my everything. I feel like I keep coming back to this place over and over again. Why do I doubt Him? Why do I think that things aren't going to work out? Why do I feel like I have to be in control? Why do I doubt His timing and His perfect plan?
I don't want to settle for less. I don't want to be satisfied by the call of lovers so less wild (Derek Webb). I want Him to be my One and Only. I want Him to be the reason that I wake up in the morning and the first thought that crosses my mind.
I know that it's up to me to get there. "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." James 4:8. He's always right beside me. He knows me completely. He wants to be in a full relationship with me. His beauty is there right beside me, whether or not I sense it or acknowledge it.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." -- Matt 11:28-29

Sometimes I get discouraged.

I always need Jesus.

But sometimes I feel like I need him more than other times.

Like now.

How He Loves

This song by John Mark McMillan is so powerful and rings true.

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath
The weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize how beautiful you are
And how great your afflictions for me

Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so
Yea He loves us

We are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meats earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart burns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us

Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so
Yea He loves us

I thought about you
The day Stephen died
And you met me between my breaking
I know that I still love you God
Despite the agony
See people they want to tell me your cruel
But if Stephen could sing
He'd say its not true
Cause your good

This summer I have been blown away by a new understanding of the love of Jesus. I honestly can't put into words. The part of the song that says "My heart burns violently inside of my chest" probably describes it best. I'm filled with this deep thankfulness that I can't even begin to put into words. I'm so glad that I don't have to try -- that God knows my every feeling better than I do. Jesus loves me every moment of every day whether I am worshipping Him with all that I have or whether I am being a sinner or whether I am sleeping or eating or laughing or crying. He loves me the same no matter what. And He loves me fully. He loves me more fully and more deeply than I will ever be able to understand. And NOTHING that I have done deserves it. He just does.
I love my Jesus.

I'm learning to listen to Jesus, and be still in His presence. That's hard for me because I'm a thinker. I enjoy processing through things and disecting them and looking at them from different angles and viewpoints - and that's not a bad thing - but then I don't just rest in His presence and sit at the feet of Jesus. So that's what I'm doing this summer. And it's great.

I can't think of a non-cheesy title...

Well, my first year of college is officially over.
Crazy!
It went by really fast in some ways and really slow in others.
I had a completely different experience last semester that I did this semester... a lot of different friends, a different mindset.
I feel like I have grown a lot this year, both in my walk with God and the way that I interact with other people. I have screwed up so many times, and acted out of my selfishness, instead of looking to the needs of others. But God has taught me so much this year about love, about forgiveness, and about being steadfast.
Steadfast.
I think if I had to sum up what God's taught me this year, it would be lesson upon lesson about that word.
Learning to desire God above all else.
Learning what steadfast love means.
Learning to be faithful in ALL things -- even when it's hard or I'm lazy.
Learning to do HIS will -- even if it means it goes against my grain.

I could learn so much more about each of those plus a million other things and I'm excited to keep learning. He's given me some painful lessons, and they're not fun, but in the end, they're worth it.