I have amazing friends.
On Friday night Diana and I randomly decided to drive to Washington, MO (outside of St. Louis) to visit her family. I hope I'm always spontaneous. I know that it's easier to be spontaneous in college, but I want to keep at least some level of it my whole life. Friends, help me with that, ok?
But there's more to it than that. I have friends who will argue with me for 30 minutes about the most pointless things just because I like to argue.
I have friends who take awful classes with me and don't judge me for sucking at it. And help me see the bright side of things.... or at least let me wallow in my misery a little bit. And will laugh with me about weird Christmas speeches.
I have friends that I don't have to see for 5 months, but when we do get to see each other, nothing has changed.
I have friends who hold me accountable.
I have friends who pray for me.
I have friends who worry about me.
I have friends who help me get closer to Jesus.
I have friends who will tell me when I need to shape up.
I have friends who will laugh with me.
I have friends who will laugh at me. :)
I have friends that will be there for me my whole life.
I thank Jesus for my friends.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
MM MM Good!
It has been a tough couple of months in general, and a tough 24 hours in particular. Just stupid school stuff, mostly. But as I'm sitting on my bed facing the window, I can see an amazing sunset and as cheesy as this sounds, my problems just don't seem to matter as much. A grade on a test of paper or even in a class is so miniscule in respect to the big picture. I'm not saying that as an excuse to let myself off the hook for slacking or whatever... but these little things really don't matter that much.
Creation rocks my socks off.
God made creation.
Therefore, God rocks my socks off.
I hope that's not irreverent?
Monday, November 10, 2008
Increíble!
I serve such an incredible God.
I can't doubt His existence or His working in my life.
I don't serve Him like I should.
I want my whole life to glorify Him.
Lord, give me strength.
I can't doubt His existence or His working in my life.
I don't serve Him like I should.
I want my whole life to glorify Him.
Lord, give me strength.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Tonight the Stars Speak
Thank the Lord for...
ridiculous halloween costumes
getting tattoos
christmas parties way too early
egg nog
friends who will go on last minute road trips
colorado
stars that reach to the horizon
shooting stars
naps outside
IHOP
voting
boys who know how to change tires
sunshine
Saturday, November 1, 2008
To Write Love On Her Arms
To Write Love On Her Arms
Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."
I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her.
Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her.
She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm.
The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her c hurch, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.
She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her.
I've never walked this road, but I decide that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes.
Thursday night she is in the balcony for Band Marino, Orlando's finest. They are indie-folk-fabulous, a movement disguised as a circus. She loves them and she smiles when I point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe, in town from London just to catch this show.
She is in good seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night, screaming like a lifelong fan with every Dwight Howard dunk. On the way home, we stop for more coffee and books, Blue Like Jazz and (Anne Lamott's) Travelling Mercies.
On Saturday, the Taste of Chaos tour is in town and I'm not even sure we can get in, but doors do open and minutes after parking, we are on stage for Thrice, one of her favorite bands. She stands ten feet from the drummer, smiling constantly. It is a bright moment there in the music, as light and rain collide above the stage. It feels like healing. It is certainly hope.
Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to bold, all encouraging. We're talking to God but I think as much, we're talking to her, telling her she's loved, saying she does not go alone. One among us knows her best. Ryan sits in the corner strumming an acoustic guitar, singing songs she's inspired.
After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff.
She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life.
As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."
I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly.
We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.
We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.
I have learned so much in one week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would ask you to remember.
--Jamie Tworkowski
Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."
I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her.
Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her.
She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm.
The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her c hurch, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.
She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her.
I've never walked this road, but I decide that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes.
Thursday night she is in the balcony for Band Marino, Orlando's finest. They are indie-folk-fabulous, a movement disguised as a circus. She loves them and she smiles when I point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe, in town from London just to catch this show.
She is in good seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night, screaming like a lifelong fan with every Dwight Howard dunk. On the way home, we stop for more coffee and books, Blue Like Jazz and (Anne Lamott's) Travelling Mercies.
On Saturday, the Taste of Chaos tour is in town and I'm not even sure we can get in, but doors do open and minutes after parking, we are on stage for Thrice, one of her favorite bands. She stands ten feet from the drummer, smiling constantly. It is a bright moment there in the music, as light and rain collide above the stage. It feels like healing. It is certainly hope.
Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to bold, all encouraging. We're talking to God but I think as much, we're talking to her, telling her she's loved, saying she does not go alone. One among us knows her best. Ryan sits in the corner strumming an acoustic guitar, singing songs she's inspired.
After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff.
She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life.
As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."
I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly.
We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.
We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.
I have learned so much in one week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would ask you to remember.
--Jamie Tworkowski
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Hope is coming for me...
discouraged
adjective
1.
made less hopeful or enthusiastic; "desperate demoralized people looking for work"; "felt discouraged by the magnitude of the problem"; "the disheartened instructor tried vainly to arouse their interest" [syn: demoralized]
2.
lacking in resolution; "the accident left others discouraged about going there"
hope
–noun
1.
the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.
2.
a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.
3.
grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.
4.
a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.
5.
something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope. –verb (used with object)
6.
to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.
7.
to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory. –verb (used without object)
8.
to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early spring.
9.
Archaic. to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in). —Idiom
10.
hope against hope, to continue to hope, although the outlook does not warrant it: We are hoping against hope for a change in her condition
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1
"Where then is my hope?
Who can see any hope for me?"
Job 17:15
"There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off."
Proverbs 23:18
"My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning."
Psalm 130:6
"How long must your servant wait?"
Psalm 119:84
adjective
1.
made less hopeful or enthusiastic; "desperate demoralized people looking for work"; "felt discouraged by the magnitude of the problem"; "the disheartened instructor tried vainly to arouse their interest" [syn: demoralized]
2.
lacking in resolution; "the accident left others discouraged about going there"
hope
–noun
1.
the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.
2.
a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.
3.
grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.
4.
a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.
5.
something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope. –verb (used with object)
6.
to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.
7.
to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory. –verb (used without object)
8.
to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early spring.
9.
Archaic. to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in). —Idiom
10.
hope against hope, to continue to hope, although the outlook does not warrant it: We are hoping against hope for a change in her condition
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1
"Where then is my hope?
Who can see any hope for me?"
Job 17:15
"There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off."
Proverbs 23:18
"My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning."
Psalm 130:6
"How long must your servant wait?"
Psalm 119:84
Sunday, September 7, 2008
I'll Never be the Same
"Fire Fall Down"
Hillsong
Cause I know that you're alive
You came to fix my broken life
And I'll sing to glorify
Your Holy name, Jesus Christ
You bought my life with the blood
That you shed on the cross
When you died for the sins of men
And you let out a cry, crucified
Now alive in me
These hands are yours
Teach them to serve
As you please and I'll reach out
Desperate to see all the greatness of God
May my soul rest assured in you
I'll never be the same
No I'll never be the same
Cause I know that you're alive
You came to fix my broken life
And I'll sing to glorify
Your Holy name, Jesus Christ
You've changed it all
You broke down the wall
When I spoke and confessed
In you I am blessed
Now I walk in the light
In victorious sight of you
Fire fall down
Fire fall down
On us we pray
As we seek
Fire fall down
Your fire fall down
On us we pray
Show me your heart
Show me your way
Show me your glory
I want more of Jesus. I want to know His heart, His way, and His glory.
I want to be closer to Him.
I miss Lance a lot. I don't really know why... sometimes it just hits me, I guess.
There's no one like you.
Friday, August 29, 2008
It's been a hard transition going from a summer that was wholly devoted to growth in my relationship with God, where my community was all about that too, and about supporting each other in Christ. A whole summer of an hour every morning spent at the feet of Jesus -- no distractions unless I created them. To now, where it's my responsibility to devote that time to Jesus, to make Him my focus. To yearn for Him without a tight-knit community urging me on. I have definitely been falling short.
I want to yearn for Jesus. I want Him to be my everything. I feel like I keep coming back to this place over and over again. Why do I doubt Him? Why do I think that things aren't going to work out? Why do I feel like I have to be in control? Why do I doubt His timing and His perfect plan?
I don't want to settle for less. I don't want to be satisfied by the call of lovers so less wild (Derek Webb). I want Him to be my One and Only. I want Him to be the reason that I wake up in the morning and the first thought that crosses my mind.
I know that it's up to me to get there. "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." James 4:8. He's always right beside me. He knows me completely. He wants to be in a full relationship with me. His beauty is there right beside me, whether or not I sense it or acknowledge it.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." -- Matt 11:28-29
I want to yearn for Jesus. I want Him to be my everything. I feel like I keep coming back to this place over and over again. Why do I doubt Him? Why do I think that things aren't going to work out? Why do I feel like I have to be in control? Why do I doubt His timing and His perfect plan?
I don't want to settle for less. I don't want to be satisfied by the call of lovers so less wild (Derek Webb). I want Him to be my One and Only. I want Him to be the reason that I wake up in the morning and the first thought that crosses my mind.
I know that it's up to me to get there. "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." James 4:8. He's always right beside me. He knows me completely. He wants to be in a full relationship with me. His beauty is there right beside me, whether or not I sense it or acknowledge it.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." -- Matt 11:28-29
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
How He Loves
This song by John Mark McMillan is so powerful and rings true.
He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath
The weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize how beautiful you are
And how great your afflictions for me
Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so
Yea He loves us
We are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meats earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart burns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us
Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so
Yea He loves us
I thought about you
The day Stephen died
And you met me between my breaking
I know that I still love you God
Despite the agony
See people they want to tell me your cruel
But if Stephen could sing
He'd say its not true
Cause your good
This summer I have been blown away by a new understanding of the love of Jesus. I honestly can't put into words. The part of the song that says "My heart burns violently inside of my chest" probably describes it best. I'm filled with this deep thankfulness that I can't even begin to put into words. I'm so glad that I don't have to try -- that God knows my every feeling better than I do. Jesus loves me every moment of every day whether I am worshipping Him with all that I have or whether I am being a sinner or whether I am sleeping or eating or laughing or crying. He loves me the same no matter what. And He loves me fully. He loves me more fully and more deeply than I will ever be able to understand. And NOTHING that I have done deserves it. He just does.
I love my Jesus.
He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath
The weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize how beautiful you are
And how great your afflictions for me
Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so
Yea He loves us
We are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meats earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart burns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us
Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so
Yea He loves us
I thought about you
The day Stephen died
And you met me between my breaking
I know that I still love you God
Despite the agony
See people they want to tell me your cruel
But if Stephen could sing
He'd say its not true
Cause your good
This summer I have been blown away by a new understanding of the love of Jesus. I honestly can't put into words. The part of the song that says "My heart burns violently inside of my chest" probably describes it best. I'm filled with this deep thankfulness that I can't even begin to put into words. I'm so glad that I don't have to try -- that God knows my every feeling better than I do. Jesus loves me every moment of every day whether I am worshipping Him with all that I have or whether I am being a sinner or whether I am sleeping or eating or laughing or crying. He loves me the same no matter what. And He loves me fully. He loves me more fully and more deeply than I will ever be able to understand. And NOTHING that I have done deserves it. He just does.
I love my Jesus.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
I'm learning to listen to Jesus, and be still in His presence. That's hard for me because I'm a thinker. I enjoy processing through things and disecting them and looking at them from different angles and viewpoints - and that's not a bad thing - but then I don't just rest in His presence and sit at the feet of Jesus. So that's what I'm doing this summer. And it's great.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I can't think of a non-cheesy title...
Well, my first year of college is officially over.
Crazy!
It went by really fast in some ways and really slow in others.
I had a completely different experience last semester that I did this semester... a lot of different friends, a different mindset.
I feel like I have grown a lot this year, both in my walk with God and the way that I interact with other people. I have screwed up so many times, and acted out of my selfishness, instead of looking to the needs of others. But God has taught me so much this year about love, about forgiveness, and about being steadfast.
Steadfast.
I think if I had to sum up what God's taught me this year, it would be lesson upon lesson about that word.
Learning to desire God above all else.
Learning what steadfast love means.
Learning to be faithful in ALL things -- even when it's hard or I'm lazy.
Learning to do HIS will -- even if it means it goes against my grain.
I could learn so much more about each of those plus a million other things and I'm excited to keep learning. He's given me some painful lessons, and they're not fun, but in the end, they're worth it.
Crazy!
It went by really fast in some ways and really slow in others.
I had a completely different experience last semester that I did this semester... a lot of different friends, a different mindset.
I feel like I have grown a lot this year, both in my walk with God and the way that I interact with other people. I have screwed up so many times, and acted out of my selfishness, instead of looking to the needs of others. But God has taught me so much this year about love, about forgiveness, and about being steadfast.
Steadfast.
I think if I had to sum up what God's taught me this year, it would be lesson upon lesson about that word.
Learning to desire God above all else.
Learning what steadfast love means.
Learning to be faithful in ALL things -- even when it's hard or I'm lazy.
Learning to do HIS will -- even if it means it goes against my grain.
I could learn so much more about each of those plus a million other things and I'm excited to keep learning. He's given me some painful lessons, and they're not fun, but in the end, they're worth it.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Rest
This has probably been by far the most stressful week of my college career because of school and other shtuff. This is really my first time all week to sit down and process through everything. But weeks like this continue to increase my trust in Jesus -- He is ALWAYS faithful. When I think that everything is crashing down around me and when I just want to give up, He meets me. Whether that comes in the form of Scriputre, a song, or another person, every single time, He saves me.
I'm reading John, right now, and I think that it might be really high on the list of favorite books of the Bible (Is it even right to have favorites, though? haha). John chapter 4:1-45 is incredible. It's the story of the Samaritan woman at the well... I would summarize it, but it would literally take 5 minutes for you to read and would be wayyyy better than my summarization, so please go read it. :) Anyway, verse 42 just struck me, "They said to the woman, 'It is no longer because of what you said that we believe, for we have heard ourselves, and we no that indeed this is the Savior of the world.'" Now, I'm not a person to get goosebumps very often, but this verse gave them to me! It's incredible. We can't take any credit. Jesus tells us to share the Gospel, so we do, but it is only He that can make them truly believe. I don't know... does this hit anyone else like it's hitting me? I feel like I can't even begin to descibe it.
Moral of the story: Read John. :)
I'm reading John, right now, and I think that it might be really high on the list of favorite books of the Bible (Is it even right to have favorites, though? haha). John chapter 4:1-45 is incredible. It's the story of the Samaritan woman at the well... I would summarize it, but it would literally take 5 minutes for you to read and would be wayyyy better than my summarization, so please go read it. :) Anyway, verse 42 just struck me, "They said to the woman, 'It is no longer because of what you said that we believe, for we have heard ourselves, and we no that indeed this is the Savior of the world.'" Now, I'm not a person to get goosebumps very often, but this verse gave them to me! It's incredible. We can't take any credit. Jesus tells us to share the Gospel, so we do, but it is only He that can make them truly believe. I don't know... does this hit anyone else like it's hitting me? I feel like I can't even begin to descibe it.
Moral of the story: Read John. :)
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
The Game
Here are the rules:
1. the rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. each player answers the questions about himself or herself.
3. at the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.
1. ten years ago I was doing...
Hmm, I was 9... Living in West Linn, OR in the best neighborhood of all times, so I was probably playing outside for the most part and then some inside playing too, and a little bit of school here and there
2. Five Things on Today's To Do List:
1. Write Sociology Paper
2. Human Development Notes
3. Sleep at some point
4. Read mi biblia
5. Don't die
3. Things I'd do if I were a billionaire...
I don't want to be a billionaire... seriously. I don't think I would like it at all... but if I HAD to be one, I would buy my parents and brothers houses, pay for my sister's and soon to be nephews colleges (like a trust fund, I guess), pay off my college expenses, spend a little money for travelling (that's really the one reason I would ever want money), buy a decent car, and give the rest to churches and charities.
4. Three Bad Habits...
1. I'm messy... my room is almost always a disaster
2. I procrastinate
3. I think I'm right most of the time
5. 5 Places you've lived:
1. West Linn, OR
2. Overland Park, KS
3. Manhattan, KS
that's all....
6. 5 jobs I've had in life:
1. Babysitter for various families
2. Dog-walker (when I was little and I did it for free! haha!)
3. Nanny (babysitter and nanny are different, let me tell you!)
4. Cafeteria Lady (heck yes!)
5. EBC intern!! (this summer)
I'm not tagging people on here because it's too hard for me... i know that sounds pathetic but i don't feel like explaining! haha!
1. the rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. each player answers the questions about himself or herself.
3. at the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.
1. ten years ago I was doing...
Hmm, I was 9... Living in West Linn, OR in the best neighborhood of all times, so I was probably playing outside for the most part and then some inside playing too, and a little bit of school here and there
2. Five Things on Today's To Do List:
1. Write Sociology Paper
2. Human Development Notes
3. Sleep at some point
4. Read mi biblia
5. Don't die
3. Things I'd do if I were a billionaire...
I don't want to be a billionaire... seriously. I don't think I would like it at all... but if I HAD to be one, I would buy my parents and brothers houses, pay for my sister's and soon to be nephews colleges (like a trust fund, I guess), pay off my college expenses, spend a little money for travelling (that's really the one reason I would ever want money), buy a decent car, and give the rest to churches and charities.
4. Three Bad Habits...
1. I'm messy... my room is almost always a disaster
2. I procrastinate
3. I think I'm right most of the time
5. 5 Places you've lived:
1. West Linn, OR
2. Overland Park, KS
3. Manhattan, KS
that's all....
6. 5 jobs I've had in life:
1. Babysitter for various families
2. Dog-walker (when I was little and I did it for free! haha!)
3. Nanny (babysitter and nanny are different, let me tell you!)
4. Cafeteria Lady (heck yes!)
5. EBC intern!! (this summer)
I'm not tagging people on here because it's too hard for me... i know that sounds pathetic but i don't feel like explaining! haha!
Saturday, May 3, 2008
A Saint and a Sinner is what I am
Romans 7:13-8:11
13Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. 14For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
21So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
1There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 2For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 3For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, 4in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. 5For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. 6For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. 7For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. 8Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
9You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. 10But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. 11If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.
Crooked Deep Down - Derek Webb
My life looks good i do confess, you can ask anyone
Just don't ask my real good friends
Because they will lie to you
Or worse, they'll tell the truth
Because there are things you would not believe
That travel into my mind
I swear i try and capture them
But always set 'em free
It seems bad things comfort me
Good Lord I am crooked deep down
Everyone is crooked deep down
But good Lord I am crooked deep down
Everyone is crooked deep down
Everyone is crooked deep down
13Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. 14For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
21So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
1There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 2For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 3For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, 4in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. 5For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. 6For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. 7For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. 8Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
9You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. 10But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. 11If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.
Crooked Deep Down - Derek Webb
My life looks good i do confess, you can ask anyone
Just don't ask my real good friends
Because they will lie to you
Or worse, they'll tell the truth
Because there are things you would not believe
That travel into my mind
I swear i try and capture them
But always set 'em free
It seems bad things comfort me
Good Lord I am crooked deep down
Everyone is crooked deep down
But good Lord I am crooked deep down
Everyone is crooked deep down
Everyone is crooked deep down
Sometimes other people can say it better than I can.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Amazing
How cool is it that we get to talk to God and He talks back?
In the Strong Complex, where I live, a couple people are putting on a 100 hours of prayer in one of the study room in the basement, and people sign up for 1 hour shifts for 100 hours. I took a shift today... or I guess, yesterday... from 6-7. I hadn't just rested in the presence of God in a loooong time. I think one of my biggest weaknesses is not spending more time in actual prayer. I'm good about reading my Bible, and I guess I often do pray for other people, but not like I should. And I rarely just sit there and ask God to talk to me... to bring to mind people to pray for, and truths from His Word that I need to be reminded of. But I did that tonight and it was phenomenol... duh. I'm so stupid most of the time. I underestimate God even when there is no reason to.
Sometimes my brain and my heart don't connect like they should and that really sucks.
The other day a friend (eyyyyyy, blake!) brought to mind a verse that I had never given much thought to... "I believe; Lord, help my unbelief."... and I can't get it out of my head. That sentence sums up so much of what I feel that I can't put into words. I believe. I DO. With every fiber of my being. I have to. At the same time, I still doubt. If you don't understand that, I am so so happy for you. And I don't think I can explain it in any other way.
Ok, the only reason I am still awak at 2:53 am is that my eye is itching and burning like crazy from dang allergies and keeping me awake, but I took some benodryl, so that'll be probably be kicking in here in a few minutes, so I'm gonna call it a night.
Goodnight.
I need you, Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go?
There's no other name
By which I am saved
Capture me with grace
In the Strong Complex, where I live, a couple people are putting on a 100 hours of prayer in one of the study room in the basement, and people sign up for 1 hour shifts for 100 hours. I took a shift today... or I guess, yesterday... from 6-7. I hadn't just rested in the presence of God in a loooong time. I think one of my biggest weaknesses is not spending more time in actual prayer. I'm good about reading my Bible, and I guess I often do pray for other people, but not like I should. And I rarely just sit there and ask God to talk to me... to bring to mind people to pray for, and truths from His Word that I need to be reminded of. But I did that tonight and it was phenomenol... duh. I'm so stupid most of the time. I underestimate God even when there is no reason to.
Sometimes my brain and my heart don't connect like they should and that really sucks.
The other day a friend (eyyyyyy, blake!) brought to mind a verse that I had never given much thought to... "I believe; Lord, help my unbelief."... and I can't get it out of my head. That sentence sums up so much of what I feel that I can't put into words. I believe. I DO. With every fiber of my being. I have to. At the same time, I still doubt. If you don't understand that, I am so so happy for you. And I don't think I can explain it in any other way.
Ok, the only reason I am still awak at 2:53 am is that my eye is itching and burning like crazy from dang allergies and keeping me awake, but I took some benodryl, so that'll be probably be kicking in here in a few minutes, so I'm gonna call it a night.
Goodnight.
I need you, Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go?
There's no other name
By which I am saved
Capture me with grace
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Thousand Miles
Thousand Miles - Caedmon's Call
I have stolen, Lord, let me give
I have left Your house a fugitive
I have wandered in my own way
Squandered everything You gave
But my dying heart You saved and let me live
I have cursed the air and clenched my fists
I have hungered for Your righteousness
I have tried to walk the line
I drew between Your heart and mine
But You forgive me every time the mark is missed
So take my broken offering and make it whole
And set my feet upon the road that leads me home
Let me walk as one fixed upon the goal
Even though I've got a thousand miles to go
I have sought Your grace in my defense
I have plundered Your magnificence
Until my journey is complete
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
That I might sow what I have reaped From Your great love
As I struggle for Your hand
You use me in ways I can't understand
You take this sinful man and renew me
Working through me
I had a really long talk with my mom last night about some stuff that is going on in my life, and she put things into perspective incredibly. I am so blessed with her. But it was also a really humbling talk. I was really disgusted with my prideful and vindictive attitude. I am so far from where I need to be with Jesus. My heart is so far from His. I want His heart. I want to know it and to feel it. I want to care about the things that He cares about. I get so caught up in myself. There's an awesome Hillsong song, Lead me to the Cross, and one of the lines is "Rid me of myself, I belong to You". I want that so much. I don't want me to get in the way of what God wants to do. I want to show his love and compassion and mercy and grace to everyone around me. I am sick of thinking of myself first. It's easy to love those who love us. I want to love those who don't love me.
But I know that through all of this, Jesus is right here with me, forgiving and loving and teaching. It overwhelms me. It is ridiculously humbling. The God of the Universe it with me right now, loving on me. I don't deserve anything from Him, but he gives me everything. Incredible. I have a thousand miles to go, but He is with me every single step of the way.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
I had the incredible opportunity last weekend to be a leader at D-Now (Disciple Now) at Emmanuel Baptist Church in KC (where I will also be doing my internship this summer!). Diana and I had the 10th and 11th grade girls, and let me tell you, it was absolutely a blast. It definitely took me out of my comfort zone a little -- especially trying to build relationships in 2 days, but it was so worth it. I learned a lot about and from these girls in such a short amount of time that will help me so much in getting ready for this summer. I have so much to learn about leadership and about being a servant. So often I think about myself and my needs first, which is totally opposite of what Jesus did. Yes, we need to take care of ourselves, but we need to learn to take care of others FIRST.
On another note, I'm reading Deuteronomy right now, and I'm not gonna lie, it hasn't been the most enticing thing I've ever read, but God revealed a really cool truth to me the other day.
I've heard lots of times in sermons and teachings that the whole Bible points towards the coming of Christ, and that the whole Bible is a testimony to it, not just the New Testament. Well, in Deuteronomy 8 and 9 Moses is telling the Israelites about the Promise Land, and kind of re-hashing what they've been through thus far (Egypt and the Desert), and it hit me that that in itself points towards Christ. It's like, Egypt was the earth before Christ came, bleak and hopeless, filled with meaningless toil. The Desert is where we are now, Christ has come and is leading us and we have a purpose, but there is still hardship and suffering. And the Promise Land is the new heaven and earth where Christ will reign in perfection, and all out needs will be met. So, yea, I just thought that that was really cool.
That's all.
On another note, I'm reading Deuteronomy right now, and I'm not gonna lie, it hasn't been the most enticing thing I've ever read, but God revealed a really cool truth to me the other day.
I've heard lots of times in sermons and teachings that the whole Bible points towards the coming of Christ, and that the whole Bible is a testimony to it, not just the New Testament. Well, in Deuteronomy 8 and 9 Moses is telling the Israelites about the Promise Land, and kind of re-hashing what they've been through thus far (Egypt and the Desert), and it hit me that that in itself points towards Christ. It's like, Egypt was the earth before Christ came, bleak and hopeless, filled with meaningless toil. The Desert is where we are now, Christ has come and is leading us and we have a purpose, but there is still hardship and suffering. And the Promise Land is the new heaven and earth where Christ will reign in perfection, and all out needs will be met. So, yea, I just thought that that was really cool.
That's all.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Grace
God's grace amazes me. I'm having a hard time expanding on that because that sentence really says it all. I can't even begin to describe my debt to Him for all that He has given me. I get to have a relationship with the CREATOR of the UNIVERSE. That is so ridiculous!
And yet, I take advantage of it all the time. I don't give the same grace to other people. I don't love my neighbor as myself. I'm so so selfish, and I think about myself and my feelings way too much. How much better off would I be if I put others first! I don't deserve God's love, not in the least, but He STILL gives it to me. I screw up ALL the time and he forgives me every single time. But I don't do that to others. And I need to. And the only way it's gonna happen is if I'm serious in praying for it and seeking it. It's gonna be tough. I'm not looking forward to the lessons that I know I'm going to have to learn. But I'm going to come out of it more Christ-like, and that's all that really matters, right?
And yet, I take advantage of it all the time. I don't give the same grace to other people. I don't love my neighbor as myself. I'm so so selfish, and I think about myself and my feelings way too much. How much better off would I be if I put others first! I don't deserve God's love, not in the least, but He STILL gives it to me. I screw up ALL the time and he forgives me every single time. But I don't do that to others. And I need to. And the only way it's gonna happen is if I'm serious in praying for it and seeking it. It's gonna be tough. I'm not looking forward to the lessons that I know I'm going to have to learn. But I'm going to come out of it more Christ-like, and that's all that really matters, right?
An amazing and awesome friend of mine wrote a song and part of it goes:
I'm so sick of my glory
Show me Your love that I've been missing
While I've been sitting here
Thinking of myself
I don't want to take advantage of Your sacrifice
Anymore
That hits home.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Dang...
So, tomorrow I have a macroeconomics test. I currently have a 63 in that class... on the last test i got a 52. In about 10 minutes I am going to go to the library where I will probably spend about 6 hours of my life studying for this test that I will take tomorrow, hopefully pass, and then try to make it through the rest of the semester so I can get through this class, and then most likely never use that information again. Oh yea, and I'm paying a buttload for it.
Sometimes college sucks.
Sometimes college sucks.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Inconsistent
Hey there!
Well, I do enjoy blogging, but just to warn you, I'm very inconsistent about it. I may do it every day for a week, and then stop for 6 months. So consider yourself warned.
So... where do I go from here?
God has recently been teaching me what it means to really live for Him. I've been a Christian pretty much my whole life, but a lot of the time I don't give Jesus my all... actually, all the time. I'm so selfish and prideful, and I want the approval and validation of people around me. But God doesn't want me to want that. A song that has meant a lot to me, and has really been my prayer this past semester is Yearn by Shane and Shane. The chorus goes:
Well, I do enjoy blogging, but just to warn you, I'm very inconsistent about it. I may do it every day for a week, and then stop for 6 months. So consider yourself warned.
So... where do I go from here?
God has recently been teaching me what it means to really live for Him. I've been a Christian pretty much my whole life, but a lot of the time I don't give Jesus my all... actually, all the time. I'm so selfish and prideful, and I want the approval and validation of people around me. But God doesn't want me to want that. A song that has meant a lot to me, and has really been my prayer this past semester is Yearn by Shane and Shane. The chorus goes:
Lord, I want to yearn for You
I want to burn with passion over You
And only You
Lord, I want to yearn
That honestly is what I want. And the really awesome thing about it, is that as I've been asking for it, He's been giving it to me. I'm not going to sit here and try to say that I'm there, that God truly is my one and only desire and my sole passion... I'm not there yet. But He's given me SO much. I feel like my walk with Him is finally real. It's finally based on something more than just emotion and spiritual highs. It's based on something more than what's going on in my life at any given moment. I still have SO SO SO much to learn, and I always will, but He's teaching me. And He's the most amazing teacher there is.
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